Member Share Topic - Denial:
I was a six year old child when I had my first glimpse of what has become my experience of living with a confusing meandering stream of alcoholism, although I didn’t know it at the time.

Visiting my grandparents’ ranch was exciting for me. We had to get up quite early to board the train for our day-long trip. My mother and my two younger sisters and I would wave goodbye to our father as our adventure started. My grandmother’s younger brother, my great uncle, was sometimes present during these visits. At times he was friendly in a gruff way and liked to tease me; more often he was distant and brooding and not in the mood for children or adults.

On one of these visits, Uncle Carl arrived at the ranch hung over, pale and shaky, I now realize. He was quickly escorted to an empty bedroom. I knew that he was different this time and found myself both scared and curious. I was a highly anxious child by nature, I suppose, and I felt that familiar tensing of my body and emotions in response to the appearance of my uncle.

During this visit my aunt and uncle and two cousins were there, and so I was often distracted from my focus on my uncle. However, I remember him yelling at me for seemingly no reason while I gazed at the chickens. I was scared and tried to avoid him the rest of the time. He was “crabby” when he left his room, and I could tell that he was making everyone uncomfortable. I also sensed that the adults knew something I didn’t know about my uncle.

One day I heard strange noises coming from the basement. Anxiety and curiosity propelled me to open the door and creep down the stairs leading to the basement. As soon as I saw my uncle I stopped in shock, and stared at this strange apparition. He was wearing the high rubber boots that the men sometimes wore to work on the ranch. He stomped around pounding the cement floor of the basement, apparently trying to kill bugs or something while carrying on a garbled conversation that included various swear words. I was frozen in time, moving from fear to fascination, as he continued his rantings and stompings. My trance was broken when I heard footsteps on the stairs above me. My mother’s horrified face greeted me as she called my name and told me to get out of there, “Now!”

Safely out of the basement, she asked me what I was doing down there. I could hardly register her concerns, as I was preoccupied with the sights I had just seen. I remember that I ignored her questions and had one of my own. I asked her several times, “What is wrong with Uncle Carl, and why is he doing that?” Her answer was to tell me that he was fine and nothing was wrong, and that I had better not go into that basement again. This was not the right answer for an anxious child who then had to make up her own explanation for what she had just seen. My mother also asked me why I had to ask so many questions and why couldn’t I be like the other children, meaning why couldn’t I just keep my mouth, ears, and eyes closed. And why had I opened that door to begin with?

I didn’t push for more answers, but I knew my mother was lying. I was scared and confused. I was scared by my uncle’s strange behavior and also by my mother’s lies. My anxiety was pushed to a higher level as I had to sit with my discomfort alone. I experienced the perils of denial and the realization that lies were worse than the truth. It is my wish that parents would tell their children the truth when it is appropriate, as I know from experience that kids will often imagine things far worse than the truth, if they are told nothing. My imaginings in this situation included the possibility that this crazed uncle would hurt one of us or himself.

Of course my Uncle Carl was a serious alcoholic, and I later learned that he had lost everything along the way, including his wife and three children, whom he would never see or speak to again. My other childhood memory of this uncle was when my parents picked him up in the “Skid Row” area of Los Angeles one evening. He was disheveled, bleary eyed and in his own world.

Again I was the child who asked, “What is wrong with Uncle Carl?” Again I was told that nothing was wrong.

I can now see how the seeds of doubting my own perceptions were planted and watered. Later these seeds would produce fruit in the form of my desperate attempts to doubt the reality of my son’s addiction and alcoholism as his disease progressed. I borrowed my mother’s denial and tried to tell myself that he was fine, or that he was just in some prolonged state of adolescent experimentation.

Al-Anon helps me face the unpleasant realities in my life. Coming out of denial helps me manage my life and live a healthier life. Reality persists no matter how much I try to ignore it, and denial often leaves me with headaches and depressed feelings, as part of me does know the truth tucked away inside me. It takes a lot of energy to keep that truth out of my awareness. Sharing with others, especially in Al-Anon, helps me cut through my dense fog of denial and move into the light of reality. I have the support of others who do understand, and the strength of the program to hold and guide me as I face reality.

Denial confuses and harms us. I was harmed as a child as I soaked in the denial and lies surrounding my uncle’s behaviors. As an adult I have choices to refuse to give denial the power to harm me and others. I have the choice to face reality with the help of the tools of Al-Anon and the support of the fellowship.

- Kathleen

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Topic - Electronic Conference Approved Literature:
WHAT IS eCAL?

The World Service Office (WSO) just announced a new form of “Conference Approved Literature (CAL).” Most of us have experienced CAL – when we pick up a pamphlet with the World Service Conference logo on it – when we pick up a daily reader such as the One Day At a Time in Al-Anon or Courage to Change, or read How Al-Anon Works or Paths to Recovery.

This logo appears on all literature that has been approved through the Conference Approval Process described on the WSO Member's Web site.

You may not know the process that approves any of our literature. The idea starts with a World Service Conference (WSC) motion. Then the WSO solicits sharings, selects a writer, approves the material through a committee of delegates and other volunteers, and finally publishes the new title. This process often takes about five years.

The WSC realized that timely material is difficult through this traditional process and that there are other forms of communication, like videos, photographs, poems, etc. that may better reflect the Al-Anon message, especially for those who have grown up with the Internet age. To see some examples and the rules to apply, please go to the member's WSO web site, enter the password and click on eCal. I am not trying here to tell what or how to write eCal. The WSO has done a good job on its web site.

We are encouraged to make videos, take photographs, relate our story in a form similar to what we might find on a “blog,” or web sites like YouTube and My Space. 

While the effect on eCAL may be similar, what you and I send in will not be automatically posted. All sharings go through a process similar to that of our CAL, but the process is accelerated. Approved eCAL may find its way onto the WSO web site in just a few weeks. This will allow us to read or view some timely sharings on topics that are relevant today.

Let’s try something this month!

- Art B., San Jose

Note: Art B. spoke at our District meeting earlier this year, mostly about AIS (Area Information Service, a.k.a. Intergroups). At one point he mentioned eCAL, which sounded interesting to me, and upon request he graciously sent us this article.
- Debbie C.

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Topic - Hospitals and Institutions:
A member’s three-part share…

The Swimming Pool Program

I had decided, the emphasis here being on “I,” that my son would be healed, would stop using drugs and alcohol, if only he could go to a treatment program. Never mind that he had never once talked about wanting to do this, or wanting help in any way, or even considered that he had a problem. Ah, denial, again alive and well in every cell of my body.

The day finally came when he had the opportunity to go to a treatment program. He sat in the Sonoma County Jail and had the opportunity to be released to a treatment program instead of doing his assigned time in the jail. I was elated, for finally, my dream was coming true -- a dream that all too clearly was my own deluded dream.

Emotional sobriety cast aside, I was out of control. I was moving at that speed that codependents know so well when we are in the business of saving and rescuing our loved ones. I feverishly looked for a program for him, and of course I was able to find one, complete with a swimming pool, located in scenic rural Sonoma County.

Now, I must admit that I was advised by several people wiser and saner than I was, that my son was clearly not ready for a treatment program and not ready to get sober. For example, my son’s probation officer, who had years of experience, told me that he thought it would be better to let my son sit in jail until there was an opening in a county program that we would not have to pay for.

In my state of euphoria, I refused to listen to this man or even consider the truth of his words. For after all, I was the “mother,“ and I should know that this was what my son needed. The probation officer was just too jaded from his work to see my truth. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time, and I was determined to get my son transported from jail to this program as soon as possible.

I paid no attention to others who didn’t agree me. I failed to see that my son’s main concerns were to receive a “Get out of jail” ticket and have an opportunity to see his current girlfriend. He was released to this program, and I made a complete ass of myself in many ways.

When the Sunday nearest his birthday rolled around, I was in high gear to make his birthday memorable. As my husband looked on in dismay and disbelief, I packed a lunch complete with a chocolate birthday cake and off we went. My son’s girlfriend also showed up, and his response to my excesses was to casually tell us he wanted to spend this time alone with his girlfriend.

My son, as had been predicted to me, was not able to complete this program and had to spend his sentence back in jail. He was furious and blamed everyone but himself for this outcome.

I was devastated on multiple levels. One of course was financial, for this was the most expensive codependent bender of my rather extensive career of rescuing my son. I had held onto this belief that all my son needed was a good treatment program for so long. It was like the feather that Dumbo thought allowed him to fly. This belief had worked its way into my cells and was part of my being and had been part of the way I was getting through the daily hell of my son’s addiction. It had sustained me for a long time -- it was my lucky rabbit’s foot, warding off worry, fear and despair. Now it was yanked suddenly from my grasping fingers.

I had to begin to acknowledge how powerless I was over my son’s addiction and his potential recovery. I had to realize that I had choices to make from that point onward. I could continue to bankrupt myself emotionally and financially, or get the point that I was not in control of my son, on any level, and that I continued to hurt him and myself whenever I attempted to manage and control his life. As is true of many codependents, I was far more comfortable trying to live the lives of others rather than focusing on my own life.

Let Go and Let God

“Let Go and Let God” is one of the slogans that has accelerated my recovery process. Before I came to Al-Anon I believed it was my job to fix my son, who was a rapidly escalating alcoholic and drug addict. As he hit new and frightening lows, I became more and more obsessed with finding solutions to fix him. After all, I was his mother and obviously I must be the cause of his problems.

Integrating the concept that I was not the cause of my son’s disease started my healing process. I had been so hard on myself, and the culture also has tendencies to blame parents, especially mothers. As I slowly let go of my drive to cure my son, I became willing and able to let go of him on many different levels.

More recently, I read an article in the Forum, where a father shared his desperation about trying to help his son. Finally, he decided that each day he would surrender his son and himself to God and let the rest go. I started to do this immediately and added, “Thy Will Be Done, and please keep me out of the way.”

I felt a change in about a month of starting this routine. Something changed in me as I surrendered my son and myself to God each day. I also reminded myself during the day to Let Go and Let God. I began to realize that the only one who could help my son was God and his higher power. This has gradually released me to live my own life and let my son live his own life too. The unhealthy ties between us are being broken as I Let Go and Let God.

Two things helped me in my work of learning to Let Go and Let God. A wise Al-Anon member shared with me that to help her to remember to pray for her daughter she put some items around the house as reminders. I found some items that reminded me of my son and placed them around my house. They indeed reminded me to pray for my son and surrender him to God whenever I looked at them. They also helped me move on with the details of my own life.

Another friend, who had similar concerns about her stepson, told me that she had created an altar for him. She placed a picture of him there and other items that related to him. Each morning she would either burn a candle for a short time or light a stick of incense And pray for her stepson. Most importantly, she then would leave all of her concerns about her stepson at this altar so that she could live her own life and not dwell on her stepson as she went through her day.

Both of these ideas have helped me continue my process of letting go of my son, placing my faith in prayer and the God of my understanding, and learning to live my own life.

Don‘t Stop until the Miracle Happens

I had heard this saying in the past, but had not thought too much about it one way or another. It didn’t mean a lot, as I wasn’t sure miracles existed. I also wasn’t sure that I deserved to have a miracle if they did exist, or if I had been good enough or done enough to qualify for this mysterious commodity.

I was still questioning the abundance of this universe and of God. Marianne Williamson said, “God is not stingy, It’s a pity we ask for so little.” I see that foremost I was stingy with myself and thus didn’t believe in being gifted by God or anyone else.

I realized I have lived much of my life in fear -- rather than in love. I feared being punished more than I believed that I could ask for and deserved abundance and miracles. I believed that God is love and love is God. My fear separated me from God, from myself and love, due to my slavish devotion to a fear-based view of myself and of my life.

Still I spent years praying for my son. I prayed for him to be healed from his substance abuse and find a positive path for his life. I prayed for miracles for him despite my reservations. I did not know what else to do.

At one point, after several years had passed, I said to my therapist, “You know, at times I feel so frustrated and useless as I keep praying and nothing visible happens.” She wisely replied, “When your son is ready to open that door to all these prayers, they will flood in, washing him in their love and celebrations of his life.”

So, I kept praying and praying, no matter how I was feeling. After fourteen years my son entered treatment -- because he wanted this for himself. I call this a miracle of the larger kind. I’m in awe of the strength of the spirit of my true son, who now has come to reclaim his own soul after years of having it hijacked. I’m so grateful for the words of my therapist, and that I didn’t let go of my faith or in the powers of prayer, love, God and miracles, even thought at times I barely clung to that faith.

How could I have found faith in these powers if I had not been tested and spent years praying for my son’s life? Faith was not an easy thing for me to embrace or believe in. However, my tiny thread of faith enabled me to finally see that my son had his own higher power and his own God of his understanding, and that miracles indeed do happen.

- Kathleen

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Upcoming - Santa Rosa Alano Club:
COMING SOON! The new
Santa Rosa Alano Club!

An Alano Club is a place for members of AA, Al-Anon, and Alateen and their families to come and socialize. It is a separate organization that is not affiliated with Al-Anon Family Groups, but Al-Anon and Alateen can rent Alano Club facilities for meetings or events.

We are planning to have a large screen TV, internet access, a pool table and other games. There will be 12 step meetings, workshops, educational activities, out of town speakers, dances, and a lending library, as well as 12 step books and articles in a gift shop. There will also be coffee, snacks, and cold drinks.

The building is at 465 Kenwood Court, Santa Rosa.
Directions: From Hearn Ave. west of 101, turn south on Dowd. From Dowd, Kenwood Court is the second lefthand turn, after Corby Ave. E.
Kenwood Ct. is on Santa Rosa City bus line #12 and Sonoma County bus line #42.

The Santa Rosa Alano Club is a non-profit corporation and will be supported by the dues of its members and from donations from 12 step meetings that are held at the club.

We plan to open on March 1, 2007. There is a lot to do. Heating system, insulation, and other things that a club house needs. If people have or know of chairs, tables, couches, or other quality items they would like to donate (we have a wish list), our club is a CA not for profit public benefit organization and would be taken as a tax deduction.

I think the Santa Rosa Alano Club will be a place of great healing for friends and families of Bill and Lois.

Jerilynn,
Al-Anon group rep. and Santa Rosa Alano Club board member

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Topic - Serenity:
Serene Energy = Serenity

Tonight, as I was listening to everyone share, I experienced the sense of “entrainment.” Entrainment is an energy phenomenon that occurs when one places two pendulum clocks on a common wall. Over time, the vibrations of the pendulums resonate, and they will begin to move in synchronization.

Al-Anon is our common wall. We come to this program from varied backgrounds, all unique. As time passes, however, our shared experiences cause something within us to resonate and a connection occurs. We become healing energies for one and other.

Unfortunately, the same phenomenon occurs for those of us who currently live, or who have lived, in an environment in which alcoholism pervades. The disease of alcoholism becomes our common wall. Regardless of our personality, character, or strength of will, the practicing alcoholic becomes the vibration to which we resonate. My experience is that, over time, the practicing alcoholic will dominate our lives and suffocate our intentionality.

I believe in a higher power and the spiritual growth that is offered through the 12 steps. However, I also believe that within my higher power an energy field exists which causes me to naturally align with the surrounding energies in which I choose to place myself… be they positive or negative. My serenity tends to increase as I surround myself with others who are on the path to living a life free from conflict. The environment of Al-Anon has become one such place for me and one to which I am very grateful.

- Bill

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Question Corner - All about Chips:
To whom it may concern,
I am an alcoholic and I was wondering how it is that you give your chips to Al-Anon members, my girlfriend's mother has been in the program of AA for 6 years and she has stood by her and now me. If you could write back on what I would have to do to get her a chip I would appreciate it, or if she is even eligible to get one.

thank you,
Tim B.

=====
Hi, Tim,

Thanks for the great question. I love how your story shows a living example of our two programs cooperating with each other :-) You can find the information on chip meetings both in the printed schedules available at Al-Anon meetings and on our district website’s Meetings page (www.ncwsa.org/d05/meetings.html).

Look for the code letter “b,” which stands for Birthday Chip meeting. The information for the meeting will include which week in the month that particular meeting gives out chips.

As in AA, Al-Anon “birthday chips” are handed out at various monthly and yearly milestones. “Eligibility” is reckoned differently, however. As you know, in AA it is very easy to know if you have made it one month, year, or whatever in your program, simply by counting how long it has been that you have not taken a drink. There are some Al-Anon members who would say that not a day goes by when they don’t “slip” in some way from their emotional sobriety, and therefore they don’t think they would “qualify” for a chip. The general consensus, however, seems to be that members decide for themselves if they want to get a chip based on the amount of time that they have been steadily working their program. (There are no official guidelines, but “working the program” might generally be defined as including working the steps, going to meetings, reading, and getting a sponsor.)

My “qualifier”* tells me that in AA, chip meetings not only benefit the person getting the chip, but are meant to provide encouragement to all members, as in, “They made it that far, and I can too!” The meaning of birthday chips in Al-Anon is more up to the individual to decide. I heard a cool share once about how a member carried her chip wherever she went and used it as the physical representation of the idea that her Higher Power is always with her.
= Calling all members, would you like to send in a share about what the chips mean to you? =

Once when I was talking to one meeting’s chip officer, he mentioned that he wished he could find Al-Anon chips because most of the meetings hand out the AA chips that are purchased at the AA bookstore in downtown Santa Rosa. That got me curious, and I queried Al-Anon’s World Service Office, only to be told they do not sell “trinkets” and I would have to research a third party seller. That led me to surf the web (yes, there is a reason I am doing web service - I love it!), and after finding various products at varying prices I called up one guy who told me the name of the company that manufactures the chips everyone sells (I do believe in going to the source.) After surfing that company’s site and seeing all the chip choices, I called them up to find out why the Al-Anon chips were so much more expensive than the AA ones. For them it was a matter of supply and demand.

So, it turns out that Al-Anon chips do exist, and like the AA ones can be ordered in a variety of designs front and back, but to keep it cost effective most meetings are going to use the much more reasonably priced AA chips. That is why the designs on the birthday chips may differ according to what the chip officer has purchased. I noticed with mine that the AA logo’s “circle” has 12 sides, while Al-Anon’s is smooth, and the Al-Anon triangle is plain, whereas the AA triangle has the 3 legacy words incorporated into its border.

For anyone who doesn’t know, “chips” are usually round aluminum coins (various colors for the months, and bronze-colored for the years) with recovery symbols and sayings printed on them. For instance, in looking at some chips I find the circle-and-triangle logo on one side of the coin, with these words on or around the triangle’s sides: Recovery, Unity, and Service.** The month or year is also indicated, with the number in the circle. There is also the saying around the top of the chip, “To thine own self be true.” On the reverse side of the ones I have is the Serenity prayer.*** I also have a bronze key chain model with the serenity prayer and the circled number on one side, and the Al-Anon logo and “One Day at a Time” on the other side.

Yours in Service,
Debbie C.

*To respect another person’s anonymity, I used the word “qualifier,” which is a term we hear in Al-Anon referring to the friend or family member, living or dead, who first led the member into the program. We might also hear someone affectionately referred to as “my alcoholic.” :-)

**Our Three Legacies are Recovery through the 12 Steps, Unity through the 12 Traditions, and Service through the 12 Concepts

***“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

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Upcoming - Hospitals and Institutions Conference 411:
Greetings from the Area PI/CPC Coordinator!
Let me try and give a bit of H&I history and how District #5 is involved with the 36th Annual H&I Conference "Honesty and Integrity." The Northern California Council of Alcoholics Anonymous Hospital and Institution Committee with Al-Anon and Alateen participation puts on this yearly event. The local AA and Al-Anon districts are hosting the conference this year, April 13 -15 at the Petaluma Vets Building.

Al-Anon provides Institution meetings in rehabs, prisons, and schools, with the professional community providing resources whenever necessary. District #5 has been very involved in this service and has been a role model throughout Area #3 in being active in this service. Our participation is to inform the Al-Anon members who attend this Conference what people involved in this kind of service do, giving them a better understanding and encourage them to become involved in H&I activities in District #5 and throughout Area #3.

Area #3, which is what District #5 is a part of, participates every third year in Northern California and as been in Sonoma County for several years, mostly because Sonoma County is so large. Area #3 breaks down in three sections Northern, Middle and Southern. In 2006 it was held in Visalia, representing the Southern section, and the year before it was held in Galt, the middle section. There are 27 districts in Area #3. It is our turn again, and it’s considered a positive thing to be able to be the hosting District.

The purpose for this Annual H&I Conference for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is

1. to improve mutual understanding and cooperation between AA and non-alcoholic professionals, in an effort to help the confined alcoholic;.
2. to improve understanding and cooperation between Institutions and AA through workshops, panels and general discussions; and
3. to be friendly with their friends (fellowship).

In doing so, AA members experiencing such cooperation report three gratifying results. It

1. helps them to stay sober;
2. attracts alcoholics to AA; and
3. helps non-alcoholics gain an understanding of, and respect for, their fellowship

The purpose for Al-Anon/Alateen is very much for the same reasons with the exception of staying sober. It is to assist the family and friends of alcoholics in their personal recovery thereby creating changed attitudes within the family and with their alcoholic relatives.

Those of us who have been involved in this kind of service want to encourage how it has helped in the progress of our recovery by having the opportunity to reach out and share our experience, strength and hope with others. The benefit of the Conference is a better understanding of the disease and the ramifications in all our lives.

It takes many hands to make these Conferences work. Please feel free to attend our next Committee meeting, Saturday Feb. 10 at 11:00 a.m. at Lyons Restaurant, 732 E. Washington in Petaluma. Being involved in these Conferences can also be fun. Please come and see for yourself. Volunteer committee meetings are the first Saturday of each month.
For further information and/or to volunteer for service, email me.

In service,
Linda D.,
Area Public Information/Cooperating with the Professional Community Coordinator

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District 5's website and its newsletter, The Alagram, gratefully publish articles contributed by Al-Anon members from the District. The opinions expressed are strictly those of the contributor. "Take what you like and leave the rest."

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