Share - Al-Anon Slip:

An Al-Anon Relapse
I’ve been a faithful member of Al-Anon for over two years. What brought me to this program was my ex-wife’s addiction. She had been in and out of recovery programs many times throughout our lengthy dysfunctional marriage. But because of this program I am learning to live a better a life. I am aware of my codependency. This program has helped me communicate with my ex wife in healthy ways. I have come full circle and I have a civil relationship with her and dealing with our children.

I thought I had worked this program pretty good and that I would be safe from falling for a woman emotionally unavailable. But I was drawn to her like flies on sh--. I just couldn’t believe she was an alcoholic who resembled my ex wife in some way. I kept it a secret just like I did with my other alcoholic. I found myself in a dysfunctional relationship which brought me to my knees once again. It was like I had no recovery at all.

I took a good, long, hard look at myself and my attraction and obsession to alcoholic/addict women. I realized how this type of obsession mirrors my childhood comfort zone where love was unavailable. I only thought I received love from this woman. I, once again, built a false secure relationship with an addicted person. Now I think I know what an alcoholic feels like after taking a drink with two years of sobriety. How the addiction and obsession comes back just as strong as it was at the beginning of recovery.

But I have come back to the program stronger than ever and I am going to as many meetings as I can, meeting with my sponsor regularly, and reading as much program literature as I can.

But I have come back to the program stronger than ever and I am going to as many meetings as I can, meeting with my sponsor regularly, and reading as much program literature as I can.

I am seeing the dark fog lift now after going to almost 35 meetings in 30 days.

There is no longer any room on my head for any more bumps. I am trying to stay away from walls for fear of running into them.

I will focus on the Al-Anon program, myself and my family. That way I can live a better life for me and my kids.

- Jerry H.

Meditation - Guidance:

Dancing with God
When I meditated on the word “Guidance,”
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person, and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G" I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i": "God," "u" and "i" “dance."
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.

Share - The Holidays:

Great Expectations
I made it through the Holidays pretty smooth this year. I did not have expectations that were over the top, I did not spend money I did not have, and I stayed away from negative people. That sounds so simple now after I have been in the program for over five years; however, if I would have let myself get caught up in all the chaos of a holiday that has been turned into some sort of materialistic mad rush of buying gifts people don’t need or may not even want, I could have become quite sick. Ahhh, I didn’t, and I owe my calmness and serenity to the Al-Anon program.

I don’t have a lot of fond memories of Christmases past from my childhood. My father seemed to drink a lot around the holidays.

Don’t get me wrong, I love tradition, stories and family. I just don’t like all the emphasis put on buying gifts. One or two gifts would be fine, but my family has this idea that giving a gift replaces spending some quality time with each other. I would much rather have had lunch, gone to a play, listened to some music, taken a walk or a nice drive with one of my family members rather than knowing they were all stressed out shopping at the mall trying to find that perfect present and settling on a gift card.

Well, I know I can never change engrained family traditions. I sure wish we had time to play that new board game we got last year. I wish the season was more about happiness, love and giving quality time to each other.

I can never replace the smile on my grandson’s face when he fell asleep in my arms while his mother was shopping. That was a real gift. He was so relaxed and happy. He didn’t know everyone in the world was passing cash like it was water. I hope I can share more moments like that with him so he can have very fond memories around the season of giving.

Happy New Year,
Jenny H.

Topic - Connecting People from Around the World:

Trans Atlantic Outreach
In 1982 our cofounder Lois W. said, “Al-Anon has grown because of the sense of responsibility of its members. But there are so many, many people that still need to be helped. In actual numbers worldwide, Al-Anon has barely brushed the surface.”

That paragraph was taken from the Quarterly Appeal Letter that is being read at your local meetings. Those words resonated with me, and I realized that I was doing my own personal outreach when I was asked to share in an unusual service by someone who's done some traveling in far away countries. While traveling this person takes with her extra literature and books that she shares with those she meets in 12 step programs. On one of her travels she met Sundae, who was in need of Al-Anon meetings and was looking for someone to talk to about the disease of alcoholism and the effects it was having on her. In her country of Ghana there are few meetings to choose from, and getting to meetings is not an easy task. Women do not share their personal feelings about what is going on with them and/or the effects of Alcoholism. This friend asked if I would take the time to correspond with Sundae, as she needed a friend who understood the language of Al-Anon, and my friend felt my program was strong and it would be good for me. Sound familiar?... this is sounding like what a sponsor would say when she is suggesting you get into service.

The tables have turned and I find myself on the receiving end, and I understand the language of Al-Anon from a distance via the internet. If you would have told me that was the path I would be taking to enrich my life, I would have said "No way." I was humbled when asked to talk with another person in another country, as someone who has been affected by the disease of alcoholism. Recovery is a process, not an event. The further I go into my own recovery, the less I know. One thing I do know is I want to stay in the center of this process, so that no matter what happens I will remain spiritually fit to carry the message to others, and for that I am filled with gratitude. As we pursue Lois’s dream to bring the Al-Anon message of hope around the world, we realize that literature is only part of what makes a meeting successful.

With Gratitude,
Vickie J.

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Topic - Journaling:

"What lesson am I being taught? Don't look in the past when you were afraid of everything and everyone. Learn to trust, especially trust yourself. My dreams and/or nightmares are almost always of being lost, trying to find my way and not being able to. Ending up losing everything. I almost start to cry but stop myself. I'm not allowed to cry - it's too dangerous. I'm afraid to make important decisions - it might be the wrong one and then what would happen? Don't look back, don't worry about the future. Try, try to stay right here, right now; it is after all, the only thing I am able to do. I'm terrified that I won't make the right choice."

I joined Al-Anon in July 2001. This is almost four years later, and the program has taught me so much - I do trust myself most of the time and learn a bit more about myself every day - I am 82 years old. I finally am able to cry, and it is such a relief.

- Doris

Memory - An AA Friend:

It’s been a year since my friend died. I had known him to be a recovering alcoholic. I guess he had been in a major slip for a long time, I do not know. What I do know now is that I could not have saved him even if I had been with him at the time of his death. He reached his bottom isolating in a motel room. He took part in a double suicide. He shot himself first and his wife shot herself sometime afterwards in that motel room.

He had been in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous when I met him.

I know now that only another alcoholic could have saved him, and not me.

I know now only another Al-Anon can help save me.

You see, my friend and I are similar in some ways, which can be confusing. We are human; we breath; we eat; we lived in the same city for awhile. However, because we did not share similar past experiences before we met in program, we could not understand each other. How could I have understood? How could he have understood me? Believe me, I tried to understand him. I remember it like it was yesterday, telling him I could not possible see him “like that” as he shared his story about those days in his past. He would laugh, saying, yeah I did those things, even when I was adamant that I did not believe him!! AA believed him, though.

I had been attending open AA meetings at the time along with Al-Anon. I was very naïve regarding the disease of alcoholism. I was struggling with my own issues, desperate, in saving my own marriage to his friend (an alcoholic) at any cost. I had blinders on and was deaf to Al-Anon. I was a newcomer showing up.

I NOW know I can help someone in Al-Anon that has similar experiences as I have only when I have looked at my past and accepted myself. After I find that self- acceptance, by working the 12 steps in Al-Anon, I learned to have compassion for my experiences and myself in my past. I stop blaming the alcoholic. I take responsibility for myself. Then, I get “graced” by my Higher Power, with understanding for others in my program. I can only understand and have compassion for someone’s behavior if I have shared the same experiences. I did not share most of my friend’s experiences.

It’s becoming so clear to me now that I felt the urge to share this little awakening of mine. If I look beyond my immediate consciousness, I am shown truth. And my truth is I could not have ever known my friends’ pain underneath his smiles. His pain, like my pain, had sprung from alcoholic experiences he had. Growing up in the “mean” streets of SF in the early 60’s gave no respite for him. No parent was around to control him while he was growing up with 3 other brothers, no father. He took a lot of alcohol and drugs. He beat people up. He became crippled by an alcoholic experience that I would never have understood in my wildest dreams.

I never really understood his wreckage of the past, and oh boy I really wanted to try! I tried many times to understand, but I could not. How could I? I did not share that experience with an experience of my own. My experience led me to Al-Anon, his to AA. I heard his story. We had long talks, we would have friendly debates, and he even helped me with the first 3 steps and shared how he worked them. I gave him an ODAT, which he said he read everyday along with his AA literature, and he had an AA sponsor. He did not go to Al-Anon meetings. He acted as my “pre sponsor” before I got my Al-anon sponsor. I remember when I told him about getting my sponsor, he said he was proud of me.

I believe that underneath all his “wreckage” he may have been an individual who tried to embrace Al-Anon principles. However he knew his AA program and the AA 12 steps would clear away his problems. Not Al-Anon. He may eventually have shown up in Al-Anon but that was not going to be his life journey. He quickly got into AA service, sponsoring other alcoholics and becoming an alcohol treatment counselor, and helped many people stay sober for many years. He enjoyed life on his life’s terms for many years in the AA program, and our paths grew apart from one another. Only his Higher Power and he will know what happened between those years away from our humble beginnings in both programs. For now I see him laughing at my silly notions of wanting him to be what he knew he never could be without AA keeping him sober. I am still on this earth and I miss him and I still don’t understand. Keep coming back!

- Anonymous

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Share - March Birthdays:
I do not recall being taught prayers in childhood, though there must have been a few uttered, for when she gave me all my golden books from childhood, there was one of First Prayers.

I do recall asking her, in those young years when I began to sense something was wrong, but not sure what it was, though it felt wonderful when he was home except that when he was home there was alcohol at home, though I did not know to name it.

I do recall asking her, in those young years when we lived in Alabama, and Virginia, and South Carolina, following his ship, is there a God, and she said no, there is only this moment we have right now, and how we use this moment to help others, and she gestured to the signs, white women, white men, and colored, and said this is not right, but someday we’ll go home, back home to California, then you’ll know, there is only this moment, and we can shape it, and then it will be gone.

So now, fifty years later, after every pain you know, my friends, because it is your story too, I have managed to find my mother again, now ancient, and I have managed to purloin her portrait from my brothers who even in late middle age cannot understand what was going on, or the struggles of others, and therefore hold her accountable, with great anger, for their loneliness and sense of loss.

This portrait, a three quarter profile, shows her as a young woman looking into life with lovely brown eyes and the sweetest look, into a future, the future of every immigrant’s child, for a home and more education for her children than she had managed on her own. This portrait was made in Italy from the photo her young husband carried, from the photo a young Navy man handed to a sidewalk artist in her parents’ native Italy. This portrait, their promise of love, was packed and unpacked and displayed in every home we had, as we followed his ship from coast to coast, while all else was breaking and broken.

So now, our birthdays arrive in March. At 92 she is no less beautiful than she ever was to me, her firstborn, the one who recalls the hope of the early years; and who now, at 62 myself, has learned over the past two years with you, my friends, that this moment is God-given, with the gift of free will for our choice of action in this moment, and I can say, thank you, God, thank you.

- Micheline J.

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Share - Keep Coming Back!:
Fortunately, as a newcomer, I took the suggested recommendation to attend at least six different meetings before deciding whether or not the Al-Anon program was for me. The pamphlets and books were always helpful, but visiting a meeting where the shares appeared to be off-topic left me feeling confused about what had just taken place. How could it be beneficial to hear complete strangers speak about things that happened to them earlier in the week?

Some apparently came to meetings with a predetermined checklist of rants! Being desperate to hear information that would help me understand the Al-Anon program and how it could help, I could hardly wait for those "shares" to end.

I had come to Al-Anon because life as I'd been living it had become completely unmanageable. I did not understand what purpose meetings were supposed to serve, but knew that when members used the time for sharing as an opportunity to vent, it took effort to politely sit and listen. One share would be a gem that gave me insight into my own relationship with my qualifiers, and the next might be a lengthy detailed complaint that was too personal for me to relate to. Those who spoke to get something they felt annoyed about off their chest would start my thinking along the lines of, "I don't have time for this; maybe Al-Anon isn’t for me."

Having to leave my home, not knowing what I'd be returning to when I got back, the time it took to drive to and from meetings, talk of the need for volunteers to do service (Oh dear, were these people going to expect me to do more than sit here?), and the impatience I felt when listening to uninspired shares were stressors that made it difficult to understand why meetings were necessary. How could it help to come to a room where people took turns reading for several minutes, then opened up the floor for attendees to speak about whatever they wanted for however long they pleased?

It was not until I attended a group where, after the readings, the secretary opened the meeting for sharing by saying: "Now is the time for sharing our experience, strength, and hope. Please keep your shares limited to three to five minutes so everyone who wants to will have time to share." Ah ha!

This was the first time I heard someone give guidelines for the subject and length of shares. Knowing that time for sharing was not meant to be a free-for-all is what made the difference in my decision to keep coming back.

Al-Anon readings may be the same, but the quality and helpfulness of shares can vary with each meeting. Perhaps guidelines had been given in earlier meetings and I just hadn't heard them. At the point when I'd been to four meetings, I may have stopped going if I had not been advised to try at least six. It took me that long to understand that meetings are meant for sharing the experience strength, and hope that come from being a member of Al-Anon and the value in attending despite ANY irritation or inconvenience.

- Barbara

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Share - Hope for the Family Disease:

In Al-Anon I learned alcoholism is a family disease. One night I went to sleep wondering what part I played in the alcoholic drama, and the next morning I woke with the thought: when our children were growing up, it was my self-imposed job to make sure everyone tiptoed around their dad so he wouldn't become angry. Numbing my own feelings was bad enough, but I tried to get my children to numb theirs too.

In our home, there was an unspoken rule that only the father was allowed to say and do what he felt. The rest of us had to control ourselves or be willing to face the scorn and cruelty that was sure to come if we did anything my husband decided was disobedience to his will. To the rest of the world he seemed like such a wonderful person, perhaps a little strict with his kids, but the kids were great so he must be doing something right.

It had been the same in my family of origin: my dad was the problem drinker and a father who had been admired for raising such obedient well-mannered children. Our world revolved around Dad's mood. If he was happy, things were great. If he was angry, better watch out! As a child, I had been aware of the unfairness of the situation and remember vowing that if I ever had children, I was going to raise them completely the opposite of the way my parents were treating me. Unfortunately, with no understanding of the disease of alcoholism and without Al-Anon's twelve steps to guide me to a new way of life, once becoming an adult I fell into the same pattern of behavior my parents had probably learned from their parents.

Recognizing how I had played a role in recreating the same kind of childhood I had for my own children and now seeing signs of the pattern playing out yet again in the lives of my grandchildren is a sad realization. I don't know what I will do with this information, but this is just an example of one of the many ways Al-Anon has given me hope that there is a better way to live, a way that, until now, I did not even know was possible.

- Barbara G.

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District 5's website and its newsletter, The Alagram, gratefully publish articles contributed by Al-Anon members from the District. The opinions expressed are strictly those of the contributor. "Take what you like and leave the rest."

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