Cross Talk?:
Cross Talk is not a word in Al-Anon. It is not in our Service Manual. The World Service Office in Virginia Beach does not take a stand on the word Cross Talk. I have done some research on it and dug up some information that may have led to the use of the word. The word may have originated in a 12-Step program around 1989. It was not an Al-Anon meeting. I have collected 15 different articles on the pros and cons of the word. I believe in “A loving interchange between members.” In our meetings, it is written in our opening message and other Al-Anon Literature. I do not use the word Cross Talk. It is not used in one of the meetings I go to.

When we limit our meetings to “talking after the meeting,” I believe we all lose. Because -- after the meeting the questioning person is quickly surrounded by a few members cutting off the rest of us. I can’t get close enough to the person to hear. I cannot hear what is said nor can I share my message of hope and experience. I have learned nothing. And neither have the rest of the members. We all lose.

We all have gems of experience, strength, and hope to share. I believe we must continue this sharing for the health of our meetings. Without a comfortable safe place to talk about these things and the “loving exchange,” our meetings can become “sterile.” What is said and heard is confidential. What do we have to fear? We in Al-Anon are not “perfect” yet!

I think the phrase “Cross Talk” is a cover up for our feelings -- don’t talk, don’t think, don’t feel.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In loving service,
Barbara B.

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Cross Talk - Another Point of View:
"Cross talk" has as many definitions as there are meetings. Like Barbara said, AFG World Services does not recognize the term, but rather leaves it up to group autonomy.

I know that in my meetings “cross talk” is usually defined as giving advice or directing a share to one person rather than the whole group. It can also mean not whispering to your neighbor while another person is sharing, which seems to me to be a good and respectful standard of behavior to strive for.

The rules against cross talk seemed to me one of the single most powerful reasons that the meetings worked. When I came into the program a bundle of raw nerves, I did not need to hear anyone else’s opinion of what I was trying to share. Even well meaning advice is backed by judgment, and I really needed a place to go where I would not feel judged. The fact that members were required to keep their mouths shut allowed the illusion of not being judged even if someone might doing so silently. That silent acceptance was a removal of an irritant that allowed healing to begin. Blessed relief!

Frankly, I found it hard to imagine how meetings could work without that rule. Even though a goal in our program is to keep the focus on ourselves, we do have people in the meetings at all stages of recovery, some of whom can barely seem to help themselves from commenting on and giving advice about other people’s shares. When that impulse is directed towards someone equally as raw, it might cause a potential member to shy away from the program.

This is not the same as the “loving interchange among members,” which does keep the focus on ourselves. I see this as happening when we share something of our experience, strength, and hope that somebody else’s share may have reminded us of. That interchange seemed to me to be just as important for healing as the lack of cross talk. It helped me to move out of isolation and into a feeling of connection with all of the loving members of this program, for which I am so grateful.

Cheers,
Debbie

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Visible Instruments of My Higher Power:
One of the things I am fortunate enough to have discovered early in the Al-Anon program is that when circumstances in my life cause emotional upheaval, there are benefits to sharing how I’m feeling instead of reverting to my lifelong, habitual pattern of withdrawing. I used to contract like a poked turtle, hiding my real self from others while experiencing jumbled emotions. The embarrassment, shame, and fear of what people might think of my inability to be strong and stoic caused me to quietly retreat to my shell while figuring out how to cope with the behavior of my qualifiers. Even after being educated to the fact that bottling up emotions depletes me of energy, makes me irritable and unreasonable without knowing it, and leads to serious health problems and depression, I still slip and find myself trying to “handle” my feelings silently.

Speaking up is tricky: in the disease, alcoholics don’t care what I feel, so sharing my feelings with them is only asking for trouble. Openly speaking about my circumstances and feelings to other family members or friends is rarely helpful. It causes them discomfort, or makes them think I want pity or rescuing, or the way I feel gets discounted while they go on to tell me a story about how much worse the circumstances are in their own lives. Those things happen frequently outside Al-Anon. It is also a sad fact that those who aren’t Al-Anon members sometimes listen to confidences with a sympathetic look on their face, while barely containing their glee at being the first to learn a new tidbit of gossip to spread.

Come to think of it, prior to listening to and reading Al-Anon shares, I assumed no one talked about family matters outside the family for fear of gossip. In the family I grew up in, we didn’t even speak to each other about what was happening in our own! It seemed safer to zip my lip, put a smile on my face, and answer “Fine” when asked how my family or I were doing. It was an absolute lie; nothing felt fine. I was busy trying to feel emotionless, to shut down. I would “stay in my head” when I was filled with worries, fears, anger, and confusion, while the outside shell of my body would go through the motions of living life.

Having had negative encounters while being open and honest in the past, it took me many Al-Anon meetings to be brave enough to speak at meetings and share what was real for me. Hearing others speak about their experiences and feelings during meetings made me aware there is an alternative to keeping my problems to myself, yet I did not have the courage to try to deal with my negative emotions other than shutting them down while I was having them. I could only share after the fact. That is, I could only share after I’d put distance between my feelings and me and could speak about them in the past tense, when I no longer felt I was in crisis. I knew my anonymity was protected but still had the habit of thinking I should deal with my feelings myself, and it’s pretty hard to break a habit before realizing I’m doing it. I’d become numb. Attending several Al-Anon meetings a week to try to maintain a sense of sanity, I stayed quiet and used the slogan This Too Shall Pass silently to myself over and over. I had grown to feel a common bond of trust and love for members at the meetings I attended regularly. Meetings felt like a safe place, the right and only place to talk about emotional upheavals, yet I could not bring myself to share my sadness and fear over my complete lack of control over the dangerous activities my teenager was getting into.

Then, at one meeting, a member concluded his share by saying how much better it felt to speak even though he was confused about all his mixed up feelings and the fact he did not know how he was going to deal with them. In a moment of clarity, I realized that expecting confused feelings to be mysteriously “handled” and waiting until I felt better before sharing them was counterproductive. To think I’d been dealing with feelings by pretending I didn’t have them was not handling them at all! If he felt better speaking while in turmoil, maybe I would too. So with just a few moments left to that meeting, I set aside my fear of not making any sense or becoming too tearful to speak, and blurted out a couple sentences. They were words of confusion, helplessness, and spoke of the abject terror I felt in being legally responsible for the behavior of my sixteen year old since he’d become like a stranger to me, a towering young man who kept running away from any form of authority that might interfere with his compulsion to stay loaded.

It is such a seemingly little thing to speak a few words, but what a difference that brief share made! With that sharing, I’d found a way to vent the safety valve off a pressure cooker of emotions enough so I could remove the lid and really deal with them. That one courageous act lead to another. Shortly after, I found the courage to ask a woman to be my sponsor, which has given me someone just a phone call away who knows all about my tendency to isolate and is willing to coax me out of my shell. Frequent meetings, working the twelve steps, and working with my sponsor help me deal with my life in the moment and remind me to take care of myself by paying attention to my feelings, rather than waiting until after a crisis is past.

Perhaps someday I can rely on an invisible Higher Power for everything, but for right now, Al-Anon members and tools of the program are the visible instruments of my Higher Power. I appreciate being part of a family group who patiently listens to my shares (even when I don’t understand them myself), reminds me to take care of myself, and does not belittle, criticize or gossip. I am a very grateful member of Al-Anon.

- Barbara G.

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It Works If You Work It:
We were living on a ranch about twenty miles from the closest town. It was my husband, my toddler, and me. The feeling of isolation became more glaring, as my husband was away for longer and longer periods of time. Often by the time he got home he was already drunk. When we first met I was nineteen, and I never considered that the man I quickly fell in love with was an alcoholic. I did notice that drinking seemed to be central to “having a good time,” but nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, as I came from a home where there was quite a bit of drinking during the cocktail “hour,” as well as social drinking. This was my idea of normal.

Fortunately, with the discovery that the drinking had gotten way out of control, as well as my own behavior, my husband and I got into counseling. The counselor suggested that I go to Al-Anon and that my husband go to AA. I remember having no difficulty admitting that my life had become unmanageable, but I still had trouble seeing that I contributed to it and that I had choices. For a while I went to meetings, but never got a sponsor, nor worked the steps. I didn’t see the importance that doing these things would later have for me. Eventually, feeling resentment that my husband wasn’t working a program and still thinking it was really him with the problem, I lapsed and no longer went to meetings.

About four years ago a crisis in my marriage brought me back to the rooms of Al-Anon. I will forever be grateful for this. I never considered that such pain would be responsible for me finding the serenity that I have today. I also learned that this is a program that makes me a better-adjusted and more mature human being than I could ever be without it.

One of the first things I realized when I came back to Al-Anon was that I couldn’t maintain the measure of peace that I quickly came to see was possible without making the Al-Anon program central in my life. For me this means attending at least two meetings a week and staying connected to program people in between meetings. I am one of those members who intends to come for the rest of my life. We often hear that “we can’t keep it without giving it away.”

Establishing a relationship with the God of my understanding and making conscious contact many times through the day is key to my recovery. Before getting out of bed in the morning I ask that I may put my will and my life into His/Her hands. Reading from the three Al-Anon daily meditation books and keeping a spiritual journal are a part of my morning routine. This is what helps me to get my day off on the right foot. Some days the pressures of life get the better of me sooner than later. At work I can always go in the bathroom to reconnect with my Higher Power.

Having a sponsor to meet with weekly has been invaluable. She has helped me through the steps and has listened to things about me that I never would have felt comfortable sharing with anyone else. She really “gets” me.

My willingness to have service positions has also helped my growth and understanding of Al-Anon. Working with a sponsee is just as I heard it would be: marvelously, mutually beneficial.

There is not enough good that I can say about Al-Anon. It is responsible for giving me a life that is free from constant fear and worry, as long as I remember to live one moment, one day at a time.

- Mary T.

True Beauty:
I'm glad I've hung around the rooms of Al-Anon long enough to experience some of the many rewards of this program - Hope, Serenity, Joy, Compassion, a sense of Humor...

That doesn't mean I don't still struggle with facing new challenges, and old character defects. The difference is now I have perspective, tools that work, and friends who support and encourage me along the way. I've done no "great work" to receive these benefits. As I could, I've shown up, read literature, participated in service, found sponsors, sponsored others, tried to keep an open mind, pushed myself past my comfort zone and reached out to others. Most of all I've learned to "look up" to my HP, whom I call God.

I've not done any of this perfectly. It's been with fits and starts, at times being suspicious, judgmental, and doubting. This program worked its magic on me anyway. In spite of my human imperfections I am being healed, and led to live a fulfilling life. My character defects aren't my excuse for remaining a victim any longer. I don't cringe in shame at them as I used to. Recently I've had a major shift in my view of my character defects. I see them as reminders that it's time for me to "look up" and connect with my HP again.

I didn't go from hating my imperfect self to a healthier acceptance easily. It took developing spiritual reserves through Steps 1 through 3 over and over until I could finally look at 'my' part in the unmanageability of my life. I was finally able to take responsibility for some huge self-willed acts, and that brought me to my knees. I was left looking at the fall out from my own choices and actions. I wasn't blaming the "alcoholic" as usual. This realization shrunk my ego enough that I finally "got" how much I need wisdom and direction greater than my own.

The surprise to me is I don't feel worse because of this - I feel better. I'm experiencing beauty in being human. I'm not saying my character defects are beautiful, because they are anything but. What these flaws allow, though, is the light and love from my HP to shine in and finally reach "me." With the help of Al-Anon and my HP I'm learning to share that light and love with others. That to me is true beauty.

- Judy

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Letting Go:
The dawning realization that my adult son was becoming an alcoholic really challenged my serenity. There was absolutely no way I could control his drinking, and he made it clear that what he did was his business by either denying there was a problem or lying to get me off his back. Letting go seemed impossible because fear kept compelling me to think of a way to prevent my child from suffering the progressive effects of the disease. I made myself miserable trying to think of something I could say or do to get him to cut down on his drinking. There can be no serenity when my mind is overrun with thoughts that maybe there is a solution if I could just figure out what it is and start doing it!

Each time we had an interaction, I had to make a choice to use Al-Anon tools to let go with love or follow my impulse to try to get him to realize his alcohol use caused his problems. Without support from Al-Anon, I most certainly would have chosen to be miserable, not a conscious choice, but by default I would not have been able to hold back from “coaxing” him towards seeing he needed help, a behavior that simply created resentment.

Even when I refrained from outwardly trying to influence him, inwardly I usually fell into the crazy-making mode of “what ifs” guilt + fear thinking that went like this: What if I don’t (blank) and then he (blanks) and then (blank) happens? What if I don’t find a way to convince him that he needs to stop drinking and then he keeps drinking and get sicker? What if I don’t distract him from partying this weekend and he drives drunk and gets hurt or hurts someone else? What if I don’t bail him out just this one time and he can‘t make bail and then he gets angry and causes even more trouble?

I don’t ask for those “what if” trains of thought; they come unbidden. I have learned not to encourage them by working the Al-Anon steps, remembering slogans, attending meetings and prayer, all of which help me corral the worries that have a tendency to run wild. Each time I let fearful thoughts have free rein, I am taking the chance that guilt will rear up to trample me down. That’s when I end up doing things I regret and, in trying to “save” him, I lose myself. When I forget to use the tools and support of Al-Anon, my own life becomes unmanageable as I unsuccessfully try to help others manage theirs by figuring out things for them that they need to be taking care of themselves.

Experience with my adult son has taught me there must be a letting go process similar to the “holding back” process that developed between us when he was young. When he was a boy, he only became skilled at doing things for himself when I “held back” from doing things for him. It would have been faster and less messier for me to do everything for him when he was little, but then how would he have learned how to button a shirt, tie a shoe, pour his juice, or make his bed? When he was able to figure out how to do difficult tasks on his own, he felt pride in his accomplishment. He asked for help when he could not. But there were some tasks he kept trying to do on his own, making the same mistake over and over, doing it wrong and getting frustrated, yet loudly rejecting and resenting my suggestions and offers to help, saying he wanted to do it all by himself.

So, what if my little boy, now a man, has to learn without any more coaxing from me, that he needs help with his drinking problem? I still fear for his safety as I watch the progression of his disease, but the thought - “What if he must learn on his own?” - frees me of guilt.

- Barbara G.

NOTE: Just as we were putting together the latest issue of the Alagram, we received an email from Barbara –

“I'm an insomniac who often reads during the night. Tonight I read a page from One Day At A Time in Al-Anon and realized my last Alagram submission to you about my guilt + fears regarding my son challenging my serenity, has a paragraph too similar to the May 19 reading about projection! Yikes! It's creepy that that writer's "what ifs" about their spouse are almost exactly the same I have about my adult son (when I wrote that piece, he had just gotten his third DUI- this time a felony because another person was injured). If you do decide to use that writing I sent you, please take a look at the May 19 One Day At A Time entry first. I swear I didn't copy it from that book, but it sure looks like it! Maybe it had been read at a meeting and I absorbed it then came out when I wrote, since I have a "what if" problem too. I don't know, but please don't use it for the Alagram unless you look at the book first to make sure it doesn't look like plagiarism.”

– I actually loved Barbara’s email, which she has generously allowed us to publish, as it is a great example of how people can hear other people's shares and end up hearing their own story. It carries the message that we are not alone! Not to mention, part of the recovery proves is feeling less isolated as we realize that many members of Al-Anon have personality traits in common, such as the worry and conscientiousness that Barbara displayed in her email. For me, it was a beautiful message of the sense of universality and connectedness that we can enjoy when fellow members share.

Dear members, if you have ever felt reluctant to send in a share because you have read something like it before, please know that what you share from the heart is not considered “copying.” We would love to hear from you! It helps our recovery to read your personal shares and to be touched by all that we have in common.
- Debbie C.

Please send in shares to:
district5alanon@yahoo.com and jkterry@sonic.net

Why I Need Al-Anon:
When I first came into Al-Anon, I was so angry. I was told I had to use my "valuable time" to go to Al-Anon for the drunk. Because of the alcoholic I was frustrated, confused and hurt beyond belief. I thought I was a victim of some rare and mystical evil, unique in my own pain. Alone and scared, my self-righteousness kept me from seeing my part. I put up with my dysfunctional situation for too many years. Wallowing in self-pity, I became bitter and rude.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I didn't believe I could find serenity in a room full of people I didn't know or care to know. For weeks and weeks I would sit and cry and say, “Why me? I'm such a good person.” Then after a few more weeks I heard, “God, I need courage.”

It has been a strange journey finding serenity, and I am hanging on to it as my lifeline. I have intensely worked my program over the last six years, getting a sponsor, working the steps, going to meetings and doing service. I love my program of Al-Anon and walk the walk and talk the talk because living in the present is really living. I am no longer angry and am so happy I used my "valuable time" to help me become a better person.

Peace,
Jenny

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